explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
