btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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