you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.