Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
These 25 Drunks Shouldâ€™ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
27 Freshmen Who Really Didnâ€™t Know What They Were Getting In To
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later