and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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