I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
