yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
