So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the condom got lost in my hair
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
