It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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