Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
