awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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