i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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