I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
