You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
