The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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