also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
