NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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