I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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