First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
