true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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