I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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