My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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