Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
sarcasm needs its own font
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
