Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
