alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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