just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
