We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
