your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
