I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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