My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
