At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
