the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Text me some of your sweat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
