You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
