if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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