Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
