Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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