I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
