I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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