I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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