Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
