I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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