did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize