last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
