dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
