It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
