I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
