dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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