who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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