Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
