remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
