We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
