i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
