I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
