Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
