Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
