Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
