so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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