I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
