Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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