Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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