i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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