I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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