You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
